The Americans I read about.

I'm not particularly patriotic, though I do defend what I do believe in. One of those things is capitalism. But today, I saw Americans as everyone else in the world seems to see them. I can sadly say with absolute certainty that I was thoroughly disgusted by what I saw. 300 pound heffers drinking 42 oz. vault energy sodas - narrowly squeezing in and out of roller coaster cars. The 400 pounders waited on the benches outside of the amusement rides. Good god people. Take a look at yourselves. Wall-E's vision of the future hit home today.

The patrons of Dollywood - and Tennesseans in general - make me proud to be from the Pacific Northwest. Oh, we have our fatties too. But at least everyone views them as abnormal in their obesity. Not to mention that almost 50% of said orcas sported religiously-affiliated clothing. Could it be a correlation? Church does make you sit down on your big lard ass for 2 hours every Sunday morning instead of spending said time enjoying some type of outdoor activity on that god-given weekend morning. Yup, god gave it to you. And he's not asking you to give it back sitting on wooden benches memorizing a book written by a dude a long time ago.

When that flabby plate piggy-backing on the triceps sticks out over the elbow like a knight's shield, that's when you know you've passed the point of no return. When scratching your own ass requires a shoulder-dipping maneuver and an accommodation of a perpetually straight arm, you should probably just head to Mattress World, find a comfortable one, and shut yourself behind a door that will make us forget you exist. Thanks but no thanks for the "thank god I don't look like that" feeling I get every time I see an overly-obese individual - the self satisfaction doesn't hit as hard as the gag reflex.

For a first post, this is probably pretty cynical. But who the hell cares? No one is ever going to read this anyway. I too have a couple pounds I could lose and maybe I will. But if I get that tricep fat shield, take me on a trip to Mattress World.

Something ironic to complain about when my own stories are quite clearly not that well told is how poorly the average individual tells a personal story from their past. They skip right past any prelim info that could aid us to put the story in context, they give so much prelim info that we lose our way through their rambling or they jump right into what was supposed to be the climax of the story without even giving us any foreplay. For christ's sake people, tease me, tease me, fool me, fool me, but let's not make this all about the foreplay. Fair enough? Tell it like I would tell it. Skip the stuff I don't think is interesting. Be perfect for god's sake - is it so much to ask?

ADD my ass. ADHD my ass. I get bored too. I have urges to say shit that would get me in trouble too. Fuck chemistry, I never wanted to pay attention in there either. For the weak - that's what I say - the excuses about shortcomings being the result of a poorly dealt genetic hand. Ritalin? Now you're just cheating. Athletes can't take steroids. Test-takers can't use notes. Porn stars can't use male enhancement paraphernalia... oh wait, yeah they can... but the point is that you're now using a bike because you couldn't run with the rest of the pack. Buck up for god's sake and work on your conditioning.

Shit, I wouldn't read this if I were someone else. I'd write me off as some self-indulgent cynic. Oh, you'd be right. But I'm a step ahead of you (ahead of myself? now I've lost myself.), I already don't care about you.

Who is going to read this anyway?

I have no intention of anyone else in the world reading my entries. If someone does, perchance, stumble upon my page, then great for them; they will most likely have wasted time and effort searching for something with some actual substance. Notice that use of the semicolon? Perhaps I didn't use it right, but Eats, Shoots & Leaves is actually having an effect I guess.

Why am I writing an intro that no one will ever read anyways? Who knows, but enough with the formalities already - let's get to the stuff that slowly ambles through my head on a daily basis.